How's that saying go?? If Mama ain't happy.....

Although I may have a household full and never have a minute to myself, I often feel that I am alone.  My oldest is never home, she is always out with her boyfriend.  We currently have a friend visiting from out of the country so my man is usually hanging or working with him once I am home from work.  My youngest is always by my side when I am home, and his smile always makes a crap ass day sunshiny again...but a toddler doesn't provide much in the way of consoling Mommy on her "but what about me" woes.  My circle of friends is very small; by choice.  Sure in Facebook world I have a couple hundred friends, but in real life, I can honestly say that besides my man and my mom, I literally have only two "real" friends.  One is out of state and the other lives a few cities away but is super busy with traveling for her new job that we don't get to see or even talk to one another as much as we would like.  I'm not the type to bog my friends down with my Debbie Downer stories (insert waa-waa noise here).  At least I try not to.  But because I try not to I am often left to wallow in my own ridiculous self pity.  I guess that is a bit dramatic, ha!  I'm just trying to explain that I often feel that I have no one to talk to about issues I may be experiencing or emotions that I am feeling.

I definitely know that I am loved and feel very fortunate for my family.  I just sometimes feel very much under appreciated and this Christmas just sealed the deal.  My guy is not the most thoughtful when it comes to being romantic and we are on a one income budget, so I truly do not expect a store bought gift from him.  But he is very creative and it really really saddens me that he rarely takes the time to make me anything for my birthday, Mother's day or xmas.  A handmade card that expressed some heartfelt sentiment would send me over the moon with joy.  He painted me a picture of our son last year for my birthday and until this day it is the most beautiful piece of art I have ever seen and it means the world to me.  I have shown everyone I know!   I even took pics of it to show co-workers.  He tells me that he loves me everyday and more importantly he shows me.  I just wish that he would really understand that it means a lot to give something from your heart to the person you love at the holidays.  I have told him a few times over the past decade how it effects me...but alas here we are again.  It is what it is and I cannot make someone do something that they are not inclined to do on their own without me being a wuss puss and melting down into a puddle of tears.  If he doesn't have it in him to do something, what can I do?  It's not like this is a deal breaker for me.  I still love this man with all of my heart.  And I know that the feeling is mutual.  I just wish the effort of making the other feel special during these times was reciprocated.

Culprit # 2, My daughter.  She has never once given me a birthday, Mother's day or Xmas gift or card after like 2nd grade when the school made mommy gifts in art class.  And she is 16 now!  I feel there is no excuse for that mess. One of her friends makes me homemade cards for Mother's day and Xmas... but MY own daughter does not. But again it is what it is.  She did tell me that she loved me on Christmas day.  I suppose I should be thankful for the fact that she mustered up enough energy and brain waves to throw that my way. 

I told myself a couple years back that I will NOT let this bother me anymore...and I was doing so well.  I mean it will always sting; but I have managed to keep my mouth shut and look past it and carry on with the day and not be sad.  But this year it's not working.  I don't know why I would, but I felt this year would be different.  I somehow duped myself into thinking that because I made all of them homemade advent calendars they would reciprocate on some small scale.  I hand made petite little envelopes for him and for my daughter.  And I stuffed them with love notes and family time tickets.  I really thought they would see how much time, effort and (most importantly) LOVE that I put into this for them.  This was not just some new craft project I was trying out, I really wanted to make them feel special and extra loved!  I was trying to make this Christmas something special.  Unlike all of our past ones.  I was trying to start some kind of tradition around this piece of crap!  Apparently I was the only one who thought it was such a wonderful idea.  Three days after Xmas,  he still had five days worth of envelopes clipped to his ribbon and she had two.  Every time I walked past them it burned me up!  In my head the untouched envelopes screamed to me: "Really, this is how much my family thought of my gift to them that they couldn't even bare to open the last few cards?!"  Perhaps this is why they don't give me anything.  Maybe they think I too would be unappreciative.  Who knows.  I guess I would rather think that is what they think instead of they just didn't think to do anything for me or they didn't have the time to do it. Anyway, I took them all down.  Pretty sure no one has noticed. 


I had one gift to open on xmas morning and it was from my mother in law.  When she handed the wrapped gift to me on xmas eve, she said she didn't think this was much of a gift but this is what her son told her I really wanted.  When I opened it and saw a Paula Dean stock pot, I was pissed.  Not at the fact that I was given a stock pot as a gift but because the man that I love and talk to everyday - possibly with way too much detail - does not listen to me!  I have never ever said that I wanted a stock pot!  EVER!  I already own two of them and have hard enough time finding a place to store these seldom used items.  I needed cookie sheets and sauce pans and a new pair of slippers.  And if no one got them for me that is fine, but the fact that someone asked him what I really wanted and he says "stock pot" eats me up inside!  Anywho.


After we finished opening gifts and everyone went their separate ways and the boy went down for a nap, I realized that I DID have one gift left to open.  One of my friends had given me a stocking.  We exchanged gifts the Tuesday before Xmas during our lunch breaks and she made me promise not to look inside the stocking until Xmas morning.  She stuffed it with a bunch of items that she knew that I love.  Lip balm and gloss, a pumice stone, mascara, crystal lite packets, hot chocolate, candy, gloves, sweet smelling shower gel/bubble bath.  It was seriously the most awesome and thoughtful gift anyone had ever given me.  She listens to me.  She also knew that I would be stuffing everyone stockings and there would be nothing in mine.  And she did something about that.  It was just so sweet and thoughtful.  I went in my bathroom and cried.  It was one of those weird cries.  Like tears of joy, anger, sadness with a dash of when someone gives you a much needed hug.  Maybe something is wrong with me, haha!  I don't know.


 I have been on the verge of tears since Xmas.  Today is my first day back to work since last Thursday, and during the 45 minute ride to work, my iPod somehow knew my mood and decided to randomly play a "slit your wrists" playlist.  Every song made me cry!  But I listened intently to what Jack Johnson, Stevie Nicks and Sade, Al Green, Nina Simone and Lady Day had to say.  I figured when I got to work everyone would be asking me how my holiday was and what did I get, blah blah blah.  Perhaps if I got all the tears out in the car, I wouldn't be sent over the edge as soon as someone asked me.  Or maybe when they saw my raccoon eyes they would just steer clear and run in the other direction.  haha! 


The Mama being under appreciated thing is NOT going to work for Mama much longer.  I'm not sure how to get everyone to realize, but it needs to change.  If Mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy!  I don't want everyone to force it and do things for me because they think I will snap if they don't - but I want them to genuinely want to do thoughtful things for their "wife"/mother.  Is that really a lot to ask for??

Enough about me, how was your holiday?!