How's that saying go?? If Mama ain't happy.....

Although I may have a household full and never have a minute to myself, I often feel that I am alone.  My oldest is never home, she is always out with her boyfriend.  We currently have a friend visiting from out of the country so my man is usually hanging or working with him once I am home from work.  My youngest is always by my side when I am home, and his smile always makes a crap ass day sunshiny again...but a toddler doesn't provide much in the way of consoling Mommy on her "but what about me" woes.  My circle of friends is very small; by choice.  Sure in Facebook world I have a couple hundred friends, but in real life, I can honestly say that besides my man and my mom, I literally have only two "real" friends.  One is out of state and the other lives a few cities away but is super busy with traveling for her new job that we don't get to see or even talk to one another as much as we would like.  I'm not the type to bog my friends down with my Debbie Downer stories (insert waa-waa noise here).  At least I try not to.  But because I try not to I am often left to wallow in my own ridiculous self pity.  I guess that is a bit dramatic, ha!  I'm just trying to explain that I often feel that I have no one to talk to about issues I may be experiencing or emotions that I am feeling.

I definitely know that I am loved and feel very fortunate for my family.  I just sometimes feel very much under appreciated and this Christmas just sealed the deal.  My guy is not the most thoughtful when it comes to being romantic and we are on a one income budget, so I truly do not expect a store bought gift from him.  But he is very creative and it really really saddens me that he rarely takes the time to make me anything for my birthday, Mother's day or xmas.  A handmade card that expressed some heartfelt sentiment would send me over the moon with joy.  He painted me a picture of our son last year for my birthday and until this day it is the most beautiful piece of art I have ever seen and it means the world to me.  I have shown everyone I know!   I even took pics of it to show co-workers.  He tells me that he loves me everyday and more importantly he shows me.  I just wish that he would really understand that it means a lot to give something from your heart to the person you love at the holidays.  I have told him a few times over the past decade how it effects me...but alas here we are again.  It is what it is and I cannot make someone do something that they are not inclined to do on their own without me being a wuss puss and melting down into a puddle of tears.  If he doesn't have it in him to do something, what can I do?  It's not like this is a deal breaker for me.  I still love this man with all of my heart.  And I know that the feeling is mutual.  I just wish the effort of making the other feel special during these times was reciprocated.

Culprit # 2, My daughter.  She has never once given me a birthday, Mother's day or Xmas gift or card after like 2nd grade when the school made mommy gifts in art class.  And she is 16 now!  I feel there is no excuse for that mess. One of her friends makes me homemade cards for Mother's day and Xmas... but MY own daughter does not. But again it is what it is.  She did tell me that she loved me on Christmas day.  I suppose I should be thankful for the fact that she mustered up enough energy and brain waves to throw that my way. 

I told myself a couple years back that I will NOT let this bother me anymore...and I was doing so well.  I mean it will always sting; but I have managed to keep my mouth shut and look past it and carry on with the day and not be sad.  But this year it's not working.  I don't know why I would, but I felt this year would be different.  I somehow duped myself into thinking that because I made all of them homemade advent calendars they would reciprocate on some small scale.  I hand made petite little envelopes for him and for my daughter.  And I stuffed them with love notes and family time tickets.  I really thought they would see how much time, effort and (most importantly) LOVE that I put into this for them.  This was not just some new craft project I was trying out, I really wanted to make them feel special and extra loved!  I was trying to make this Christmas something special.  Unlike all of our past ones.  I was trying to start some kind of tradition around this piece of crap!  Apparently I was the only one who thought it was such a wonderful idea.  Three days after Xmas,  he still had five days worth of envelopes clipped to his ribbon and she had two.  Every time I walked past them it burned me up!  In my head the untouched envelopes screamed to me: "Really, this is how much my family thought of my gift to them that they couldn't even bare to open the last few cards?!"  Perhaps this is why they don't give me anything.  Maybe they think I too would be unappreciative.  Who knows.  I guess I would rather think that is what they think instead of they just didn't think to do anything for me or they didn't have the time to do it. Anyway, I took them all down.  Pretty sure no one has noticed. 


I had one gift to open on xmas morning and it was from my mother in law.  When she handed the wrapped gift to me on xmas eve, she said she didn't think this was much of a gift but this is what her son told her I really wanted.  When I opened it and saw a Paula Dean stock pot, I was pissed.  Not at the fact that I was given a stock pot as a gift but because the man that I love and talk to everyday - possibly with way too much detail - does not listen to me!  I have never ever said that I wanted a stock pot!  EVER!  I already own two of them and have hard enough time finding a place to store these seldom used items.  I needed cookie sheets and sauce pans and a new pair of slippers.  And if no one got them for me that is fine, but the fact that someone asked him what I really wanted and he says "stock pot" eats me up inside!  Anywho.


After we finished opening gifts and everyone went their separate ways and the boy went down for a nap, I realized that I DID have one gift left to open.  One of my friends had given me a stocking.  We exchanged gifts the Tuesday before Xmas during our lunch breaks and she made me promise not to look inside the stocking until Xmas morning.  She stuffed it with a bunch of items that she knew that I love.  Lip balm and gloss, a pumice stone, mascara, crystal lite packets, hot chocolate, candy, gloves, sweet smelling shower gel/bubble bath.  It was seriously the most awesome and thoughtful gift anyone had ever given me.  She listens to me.  She also knew that I would be stuffing everyone stockings and there would be nothing in mine.  And she did something about that.  It was just so sweet and thoughtful.  I went in my bathroom and cried.  It was one of those weird cries.  Like tears of joy, anger, sadness with a dash of when someone gives you a much needed hug.  Maybe something is wrong with me, haha!  I don't know.


 I have been on the verge of tears since Xmas.  Today is my first day back to work since last Thursday, and during the 45 minute ride to work, my iPod somehow knew my mood and decided to randomly play a "slit your wrists" playlist.  Every song made me cry!  But I listened intently to what Jack Johnson, Stevie Nicks and Sade, Al Green, Nina Simone and Lady Day had to say.  I figured when I got to work everyone would be asking me how my holiday was and what did I get, blah blah blah.  Perhaps if I got all the tears out in the car, I wouldn't be sent over the edge as soon as someone asked me.  Or maybe when they saw my raccoon eyes they would just steer clear and run in the other direction.  haha! 


The Mama being under appreciated thing is NOT going to work for Mama much longer.  I'm not sure how to get everyone to realize, but it needs to change.  If Mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy!  I don't want everyone to force it and do things for me because they think I will snap if they don't - but I want them to genuinely want to do thoughtful things for their "wife"/mother.  Is that really a lot to ask for??

Enough about me, how was your holiday?!

Budgets and dog piss...Hooray!

We rent an apartment and want to buy a home soon...really soon.  We have a funny way of showing it though.  We almost had one kid out of the house and then we had another.  Crazy!  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  We also live on one income at the moment... and it's not a hefty one.  We also do not save ANY money!  Last week I got a small bonus from work and instead of putting it in the bank, I spent it on mostly Christmas gifts. 

Then this Sunday I became obsessed with saving money.  You know, the day after all my money was gone.  I made a very detailed budget in Excel and have been pretty anal about it.  I have created a worksheet that itemizes every penny that we spend each day of the week.  I am mortifed...and it is only Tuesday.  From Sunday  to Tuesday, we (or should I say "I") have spent so much money.  Some of the items were essential, like the last minute run to the grocery store to buy ingredients for dinner last night.  But why am I doing that?  Why didn't I just get the damn chicken at BJ's when I was there on Saturday and I would've gotten much more for my money? 

I put no money into the 401k that my job matches 75% on.  Why?  Because I didn't think I could afford to do so....but seriously, how can I afford NOT to.  That's free money!  And c'mon!  Am I really going to miss the $70 bucks or so that I am putting into it?  Apparently I spend 4x that in 2 days on (insert dumb item here). 

What else do we do that is dumb?  Oh, we are totally squandering the talents that both of us were "blessed" with.  We need to capitalize on these talents.  It's time for me to wake up and smell the dog piss.  Everyone else cannot paint, everyone else can not quilt, knit and cook/bake like I do.  And it's time to put a price on my "stuff" and get it out there and sell it!  No more BS.  Time to make and save some damn dinero. 

One of the last luxuries that I splurged on was a micro plush electric blanket for our bed.  I had a coupon for $15.00 off...that I left at home, but I still bought it.  Brought it home, but it on the bed and we LOVED it!!  Night #2, hubby is in the shower and I turn the dials to Preheat and proceed to clear off the bed so we can get in.  The lights were off but the tv was on and I saw the light from the tv glowing off of what I thought was hubby's cell phone or iPod.  I go to grab it...and discover that this is no electronic gadgetry but a puddle of warm dog piss!  UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  On my bed!  On my brand new micro plush electric blanket!!  So now I have to strip the entire bed, thankfully it didn't seep all the way to the mattress. 

Sunday was hopefully our last trip to the laundromat.  The motor died in our washer and the part was delivered Saturday and is now waiting for the repair person to come out this Thursday.  So I take the month's worth of laundry over and wash and dry it all...including my dog pissy micro plush electric blanket.  $50.00 later we all have clean laundry.  Yay. 

Of course I can't wait to put my electric blankey back on the bed!!  I missed it so much the night before.  We enjoy it Sunday night, it was fabulous!!  Then last night hubby is getting the bed ready and hey, what do ya know?  Damn dog pissed on the bed AGAIN!!! 

Is this a sign that I shouldn't have bought the blanket and instead saved that money??  Like a literal and physical metaphor for "your pissing your life away"!?  Is my dog trying to tell me something more than the obvious by doing this???  I don't know if I should beat her or thank her?!  (disclosure: for the record, I would never hit an animal, I treat my dogs like my children...sometimes better.) 

It's time to wake up and smell the dog piss, Mama No Time!!  It's time to make more money and save save save!!  Hubby is starting a photography business beginning of next year so that will hopefully do well and we can save all of his earnings.  Then we will be able to buy our own home!  No more smelling the cigarettes from the neighbors or hearing their door slamming.  Our own place!!!  Makes me smile just thinking about it!

Holidays :)/:(

The Holidays are a weird time for me.  I realize that after I write this people will probably think I am a Scrooge McDuck...but I ams what I am.   This time of year makes me think alot about my father who died a week before Thanksgiving when I was a child.  I think about all the years we missed out on together.  I think about how he has never met his grandchildren or my hubby, or seen me grow into a woman.  How he has never tasted one of my home cooked meals.  What I would give him for a gift if he were here.  Just so many things.  To be totally honest I do not remember one Christmas with Dad.  I do remember birthdays, but for some strange reason I cannot remember a Xmas with him.

I am not a religious person so the religious significance of Christmas means nothing to me.  Growing up we were not religious either.  Christmas meant "GIMME"!...which I am ashamed to admit.  I grabbed the Toys R Us and Service Merchandise catalogs and circled and dog-earred corners on all pages that I wanted something on.  Just ridiculous.  I very rarely got what I asked for.  I never had ill feelings about this, but often wondered why I was given these catalogs to circle items in if I was never to get any of them.  haha!  Being a mom myself now, I think it was probably just to keep me busy and out of my mother's hair for a while.  My mother always cooked a large meal which I always loved and miss very much now that we live so far apart.  But beware...if anyone did not arrive promptly at 2pm or failed to comment on how juicy the turkey was she would be upset and let it be known.  Until this day it baffles me how anyone can serve "DINNER" at 2pm!  That is lunch!  She would always be cranky because she had been up since 5am slaving over the stove, blah blah...Well, why do you do that!?  No one wants to eat at 2pm!  If she prepared the turkey the night before and put it in the fridge and then got up without an alarm clock when her body naturally woke her up, say around 7-8am, she could throw the bird in the oven and take her time with everything else and DINNER would be ready at DINNER time...say 5-6pm.  Everyone would be happier including the cook/host and people wouldn't have felt so stressed about eating at my Mom's house.  It would have been a pleasure not a chore, for everyone involved.  And the crazy notion that people that you have invited don't have anywhere else they may have to visit during the Holidays is plain old selfish.  All couples have their other half's family that they want to spend some time with too...just because we didn't roll like that doesn't mean that is not the way everyone else in the world does it.  Anywho... I seriously do not have Mom issues, she is one of my very best friends...just explaining our annual holiday scene.

Back to the gifts.  We were allowed to open one gift on Xmas eve.  I would scan the bottom of our sad looking artificial tree every day to see which one I would choose to open on Eve night.  Then on Xmas morning we would open all of our gifts.  We sometimes would get in the car and drive around to more affluent neighborhoods to see their beautiful decorations and lights on their huge homes.  Which as a child was nice, but I think I would have found that sort of depressing as a broke single mom.  But that's just me.  BTW, when I say "we", I mean me, haha  it was just me and mom.  She always hung stockings but never put anything in them.  It was all very bizarre, when I actually take the time to observe and report.  This was all normal to me until I was about 10 or 11 and had slept over a friends house on Xmas eve (which is odd to me that she even allowed that...I know my kids aren't sleeping anywhere but home on Xmas eve while they still live home with me).  My friends family was large and they had a tradition that they could open one gift on xmas eve as well, but the parents chose the gift and the gift was always new pajamas.  The kids all wore their new pj's on xmas eve, and the annual Polaroid was taken.  The kids all made cookies with their mom to leave out for Santa and carrots for the reindeer.  When the kids woke up in the morning their stockings, which were all hung down the staircase, were all stuffed with candy, new underwear and socks and small toys.  They all sat in front of the tree and opened all of their gifts and and played with their new toys for hours with each other while their mom cooked some side dishes and desserts to bring to their grandparent's house for the big dinner.  They always had mistletoe hung in the doorway to the living room.  I remember the phone was on the wall right there and if anyone was caught under the mistletoe they got a peck.  

After that holiday I spent with them I said that when I had my own children that we would have some sort of tradition for the kids to look forward to every year.  Well, sadly I have failed.  We have less tradition then my mom did!!  I have vowed this year to make a change.  I had my daughter when I was young and I was so hell bent on never depending on anyone for anything and not being that teen mom.  I worked my arse off and didn't have a lot of time left over to do alot of things I now wish I had.  I mean, we had fun, but I just wish that I spent more time building tradition and lasting memories with my daughter.  I was more focused on earning more money so I could buy her more.  She no doubt knows that I love her with all my heart.  But if I had to do all over again, she would have received less material items and received  more of my quality time.  I guarantee you she can not remember one xmas gift she has ever received; which is sad because that is what I chose to give her instead of putting more time and effort into creating memories through time we have spent and building family tradition.  My daughter is now 16 years old.  I know that in just a few years she will be moving out on her own but we are starting to do more as a family NOW!  It's never too late.  I want her to WANT to come home for the holidays after she is living on her own.  

We now have an almost 2 year old son.  He has brought a lot of joy and laughter into our home.  I am 16 years older than I was when I had my daughter.  I have matured tremendously (not just in age) and I was more prepared to be a mom than I was at 17.  We have a more comfortable home and more luxuries than we did back then.  And most importantly, the most amazing man is his Daddy!  I still work full time, but I no longer live to work.  I know now that I have nothing to prove to anyone.  I know that I am a great mother and if anyone disagrees...screw ya.  How do ya like those apples??!!  Haha!  I love watching my son and how amazed he is by everything.  I love to hear him say, "WOWWWWW!!"  He loves lights, the taste of new foods, the smallest cheapest thing is a source of hours of entertainment. He makes me want to love the holidays.

I want to teach my kids to be appreciative of their family and friends and for everything that they have.  I want to teach them charity.  It may be too late for my daughter in these areas.  She truly is a very selfish and unappreciative person.  Which infuriates me because we are not this way and we have not raised her to be.  But maybe when she sees that her brother as small and young as he is, can give away toys that he no longer plays with to children with less than he, she will see how easy and rewarding it can be to be charitable.  

I want my children to WANT to spend the holidays with their family, not do it because it is expected and if they don't mom will be sad.

I have been searching online and have come across lots and lots of great ideas for holiday tradition that people have shared.  Some of the ones I am going to start with my family are:

• homemade Advent calendars which will be filled with "Family Time Tickets" and a small treat each day.
• sending the kids to bed.  Preparing hot chocolate and a snack and then waking them up and pack everyone in the car with the goodies and drive around to look at the lights.
• hanging mistletoe in the doorways.
• making cookies together for Santa.
• We will continue our stocking stuffing as we do every year.
• Christmas brunch.  All family members will make something.

If anyone has any more ideas, please share them.

I am really trying my hardest to enjoy the holidays from this point on.  I hope everyone else has a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or whatever it is that you celebrate.  Celebrate Family!!

Been busy!

I haven't posted in a few weeks.  I have been super busy!  In that time, I have knitted my son a balaclava (which came out AWESOME), knit myself a slouchy hat, cooked a turkey dinner with all the fixings and have almost completed the second quilt for my friend.  And the most exciting thing about all of this is...I TAUGHT MYSELF HOW TO FREE MOTION QUILT!!!  (Using Oh Fransson's tutorial).  Whoot!  Go me!!  I had read the tutorial about 20 times before, but finally decided to use some scrap material and made a quilt sandwich and tried it.  I don't know why I was so intimidated by this method of quilting!!  It is fun and I find it easier than the "X" quilting and definitely easier and neater than straight line quilting.  I like it soooo much that I am planning to do the unthinkable this weekend.  I plan to rip out the binding and all of the (not so) "straight line" quilting that I did in the "Shock the Monkey" quilt.  The more I look at the back of that quilt the more I see my errors.  I did a pieced back on the monkey quilt and it somehow shifted when I was quilting and the "straight" lines show off just how crooked everything is...(to me anyway).  I am learning lots of things...1.) that I am a bit of a perfectionist, more so than I ever thought. 2.) sometimes you just need to jump in with both feet and try something new and scary!.  3.) Sometime less is more....this is a rule I follow with lots of things in my life, but with quilting I seem to go overboard and want to show off all of my skills and fabrics.

Re: #3  As I said I did a pieced back for the monkey quilt.  Now on the current quilt, I used a $4.00 solid color sheet from Walmart.  And I think it looks fab.  Nice and clean!  I have seen pieced backs that other people have done and they look stunning.  When I try it - it just looks wonky and cluttered.  From now on I will stick with my new rule of less is more when it comes to backing.      

What else???... Oh I have been on a never ending mission to purchase some attractive, solid color, stackable recycle bins that will not put me in the poor-er house.  I thought I hit the jackpot and ordered a set of three frosted white stackable recycle bins on Amazon.  They were delivered today and they were all cracked and shattered.  These obviously will not work for me and my family.  We are...how should I say?.... not delicate!  And if these could not stand up to being shipped in a box then they definitely will not endure being kicked and dragged up and down stairs and thrown on the side walk by our not so delicate trash collectors.  So needless to say they are back in the box, and awaiting the UPS pickup that Amazon has set up for their return.  In the meantime, we will continue to use our ugly, bulky, non matching non stacking (but we make them stack) pine green and bright orange Sterlite containers in our modern newly redecorated and tiled kitchen, UGH!  Who'd a thunk it would be so difficult to find some space saving, durable yet somewhat attractive bins so we can be green in style.  The search continues...

Fabric Cutting Anxiety and Free Motion Quilting

I don't know why I have such anxiety over cutting a piece of fabric.  I mean, I bought it with the sole purpose of cutting it up and using it in a quilt or something, right?.  I have had two yards of the most stunning material ...for over a year now!  It is Midnight Gothic Night Life by Jane Sassaman.  I saw it and had to have it.  I tracked the package everyday so I would know when I would get it and be able to work with it.  I got it and fondled it for days, just thinking about how beautiful and boyish this quilt would be for my little guy.  I am so afraid to cut it! What if I cut it and regret it?  I have been looking at companion fabrics to buy to make it perfect...but I am afraid I will do the same with those.  I have about 10 fabric selections sitting in my cart.  I really need to just get over it and let the rotary cutting commence already! 

I also want to learn how to do free motion quilting.  My aunt taught me how to quilt last year, but we never got to free motion.  She taught me to do "X" quilting (not sure what it is really called, I call it X quilting).  Which does the job, but I want to get fancy with it now!  I know that when I use that Jane Sassaman fabric that I want to do free motion on it, so I suppose having the anxiety has been ok for now.  There is a wonderful tutorial on Oh Fransson's website.  I have a basic machine and basic accessories. My local Joann's didn't have any feet for my machine besides a walker so I will need to order the correct foot. Then I can get crackalacking and try out her lessons.  I think I will do that today. 

Until next time, Happy Crafting!

Shock the Monkey

A friend of mine asked me to make her four quilts for three of her friends and her sister, all of whom are pregnant or have just given birth recently.  Actually...my friend asked me to knit blankets for all of them.  I told her I knew I couldn't commit to such a long project.  So I suggested I knit stuffed animals for all of them.  She liked that idea...and so did I (at the time).  I was so excited about the projects!!  That night after work, I stopped home to pick up my son so I could tote him along for a fun filled trip to Joann's.  I picked out yarn and bought a new set of circular needles and another set of DPN's to replace my misplaced size 6's.  We got home and I started the monkey's body right away.  I was cruising along, every day during my lunch breaks and when I could squeeze some time in at home.  I finished Mr. Monkey Man...all but his ears, tail and half a sweater.  I seriously just could not bring myself to pick up those damn needles to finish.  Honestly, it would take me one lunch hour to finish him completely and I could bless this little boy with a fun monkey to play with and snuggle.  NOPE!   I had become quilt obsessed again and could not think about knitting.  All I could think about was using my 50% off coupon from Joann's and getting some new fabric!  So one day, I saw her on Messenger and sent her a quick IM and confessed my scatter-brained, project commitaphobe tendencies and asked her how she felt about quilts for the kiddos.  She was on board...phew!   About a month has passed and I have just completed Quilt #1, which I have named, "Shock The Monkey". 

First Blog entry - Whoo Hooo!!

So here goes... After thinking long and hard; and I mean hours, about what to write my first blog entry, I am still kinda blank.  I suppose I should write some little tid bits about myself.  Maybe write about a project I am working on or try and come up with something witty.  I don't want to bore you all with random babbling that will most likely ramble off topic several times (as I am prone to do) so I decided on a bullet point list of  fun facts about me: "Mama No Time".  Ready, here it goes - randomly listed... not in any particular order.

• I am a mother 
• I have a teenager and a toddler
• and 2 dogs
• I may be crazy
• I reluctantly work full time
• I wish I had a magic wand
• I am a fabulous cook
• I love being artsy fartsy
• I wish I had more time to spend with my family
• I have road rage
• I want to buy a house
• My kids drive me bat shit and brighten my day all at the same time.  Amazing creatures!
• I wish I was organized and disciplined enough to make a living making and selling my crafts
• I NEED MORE SPACE
• I'm totally in love
• I don't get enough sleep
• I rolled down a hill the other day for the first time in probably 25 years
• I should be working right now
• I am cynical
• Haven't been on a vacation since 1998, *edit* I have been reminded my last vacation was actually in 2001 or 2002
• Need a vacation
• I taught myself how to knit
• I could fill a book with the one liners that flow out of my "Hubstah's" mouth...and it would be a top seller
• Been with the same man for almost a decade and a half and we are not married.  Why fix something that ain't broke? or Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?  My thoughts and feeling on this one vary from time to time
• I think Lenny Kravitz and Johnny Depp are the cat's pajamas
• I can't commit to a hair do'
• I am a recovering Facebook addict, that still dabbles in it more than she should.
• I talk in my sleep
• when I notice that it is 3:04, I always announce that it is hoe o'clock
• Always strapped for time, I often pluck my eyebrows in my car... but only at red lights.

Although I could go on forever, I think that's enough for now - as my work day is nearing it's end.  Hooray!  Until next time!